MY RANT, AND OPEN LETTER TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE
Now that the US election is over, I can safely navigate blog territory without getting involved.
I promise I won’t make too many more touchy feely posts like this in the future. I just can’t shut up any longer. More snowboarding and surfing coming right up after this!
Lately I’ve been talking to a lot my girl friends, and a lot of my guy friend’s girlfriends, and girls in general… and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are some girls out there that have no clue how to handle a man! Why all of this is happening all at once in November, I don’t know… it must be the season. (BTW this is not about any of my friends in particular, just a general observation so don’t take it personally!)
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Dear Ladies,
I’m not a feminist. I’m not a relationship expert or a serial dater, but I do know how to treat my man right! Let me talk about the five stages I believe are important to a relationship: Looking Inward, Attraction, Maintenance, Making it Better, and Knowing When to Let It Go. I apologize in advance for my bitchy tone, but there’s no other way for me to get my point across succinctly.
Looking Inward
Before you can start looking for someone right for you, you need to know yourself. It sounds cliché , but it’s true. Write yourself a list of the top 10 things you want in a guy. Even Oprah says it is true… if you write yourself a list, you’ll be looking for the right things since they are foremost in your mind, not the wrong things.
For example, my list is: Can hold an intelligent conversation, has a belly, is hairy, is passionate about outdoor sports, watches the Canucks, has a good job that allows him to have free time, is taller than me, has a tough exterior but is incredibly sweet inside, can make me laugh, and is completely spontaneous.
Attraction
There have been countless articles and books written on this, so I’m not going to bother with this stage too much. It’s simple: Look your best, be yourself, and ASK HIM QUESTIONS. Be interested in his interests. Stop talking about yourself too much. Also: Being a feminist and trying to be in his face probably won’t net you a great guy. Surprise! Most guys don’t want a girl that can kick his ass physically or mentally. And finally, do things that you love often (e.g. snowboarding, surfing, etc) and you’ll likely meet someone great who is into what you’re into.
Maintenance
This is the part where most girls I know fail miserably. You got a great guy, but you’re losing him. You’ve probably beat him up emotionally, pushed him away, or lost his interest within 6 months – 2 years or so.
This is the hardest part.
First, maintain yourself. Just because you’re in a happy relationship doesn’t mean you should stop dressing up or cancelling your Brazilian waxes. Keep it up. Stay sexy. Stay hairless. Stay active. Keep your man happy.
Don’t stop doing the things you love. Keep going to the mountains together, going on photo walks, going to the library together, eating out.. whatever you did when you first met that made you so passionate in the first place. There’s nothing worse than going home after work every day and doing the same old thing every night.
Be fun. No one wants to be with someone who never smiles, laughs, or acts crazy once in a while.
Hang out with his friends and family, and invite him to be around yours. No one likes a hermit… his friends won’t respect you if you imprison your man, and everyone has more fun with more people around. And you’ll feel a lot more involved in each other’s lives.
DO NOT beat your man down. I don’t understand why SO MANY women don’t get this. If you yell at him in front of his friends, if you yell and nag at him at home, if you tell him what to do and keep him from doing the things that he loves, then you will never be in a happy relationship. Ever. Don’t do these things. RESIST THE IRRESISTIBLE URGE. Even if he deserves it. Reward him for the things he does well and be understanding if he screws up. You’ll both be happier.
Which brings me to my final Maintenance point.
I strongly believe, in my narrow-minded very opinionated point of view (feel free to rip me a new one if you like), that men and women have very specific, important roles to play in a happy relationship. And deviating from this can cause big problems. Let me elaborate. I think men need to act manly and more dominant, and women need to be slightly more submissive and womanly. If you try to mold your man into some touchy feely soft girly man, you will not be happy. It may seem like a good idea at the time. But — I guarantee you will miss his confidence and manliness and will probably eventually look elsewhere for that. Let him lift the heavy boxes and open the door for you. Let him feel strong and useful, like he is. But cook him a meal now and then and please him sexually when he asks. This may seem super traditional and backwards looking, but it really works. I have seen so many successful happy relationships last decades and lifetimes because of this philosophy.
Making It Better
Hurray! You’ve made it to the next stage. Let’s talk about some bonus things that will help.
Surprise him. Get sexy lingerie, give him a lap dance every once in a while, bring him a little gift home, bring him a beer on the couch when he is watching TV, plan an exciting trip, or tell him something that you love about him that he hasn’t heard before. It never fails to amaze me how many women forget to keep their relationship exciting.
Make sure he knows you find him sexy. So many men start to look to other women outside of their relationship because their girl makes him feel incompetent and inadequate. A lot of guys get a buzz when other women flirt with them because it boosts their self-esteem. If you are crushing his self-esteem, he’s going to cheat or find someone else who gives him that buzz. Find things about him that you love and remind him; tell him he’s big, strong, funny, talented etc etc. But make sure you’re being honest, and not embellishing things you don’t think are true. Make sure you’re the one to give him that buzz.
Be useful. So many women fall into the trap of being lazy in a relationship. I’ve definitely fallen into that trap and I vow never to again. Help out with the housework, fold his clothes every once in a while. Don’t be his maid, but help out when you can. Learn to cook. I can’t tell you how much cooking in a relationship can help it. Make things from scratch that are more delicious than the restaurants you go to. Try new recipes and experiment. Use good, local, healthy, organic ingredients and cook frequently for him. Sometimes surprise him, and sometimes just plan it out with him and enjoy grocery shopping together. But don’t be too much of a food nazi. Grill a nice big fatty steak with a garlic butter topping every once in a while 
Talk. I mean really talk. If you love each other and find each other interesting, this shouldn’t be hard. If it is, then you have a problem that is not easily solved. If something is wrong, you need to talk about it. Never go to bed upset. Don’t overdo it though. You don’t need to talk all the time. And try not to complain all the time. So many girls see talking as complaining. It’s not. It’s a mutual discussion of mutual interests.
Knowing When To Let It Go
Things don’t always work out perfectly. If they don’t, don’t draw it out. You’re not going to be single forever. The worst thing you can do is try to draw out a bad relationship because you’re afraid of being alone. If you can’t talk to him, if he can’t talk to you, if you don’t feel like being sexy for him, if neither one of you feels like surprising each other, and if you’ve beaten down your man to the point where he can’t feel or act like a man anymore……. well, that’s when you call it quits.
So ladies — finally, in conclusion… Please. Stop beating down your man!
Sincerely,
VancityAllie
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Go ahead, have at me.
Tags: Rant, Relationships, Women
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November 5th, 2008 at 1:16 am
Some interesting stuff in there, although I think you didn’t mention that a lot of guys are, well, asses who will seek to take advantage of you. The things you listed are important, but they will only work with a specific type of guy. IMO an important aspect of all this is to create not only a relationship but also a partnership.
Provided that your partner sees you as his equal your five stages should work out fine, but it is in the beginning stage that your relationship is defined. Changing from a vertical relationship where one partner completely dominates the other to a horizontal partnership is a lot more difficult later on. While I agree that being up in someone’s face isn’t going to win them over, standing your ground is also important.
PS: You forgot the part about girly drinks. They are both delicious and important to any relationship.
November 5th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Me being a dude and reading it from a dudes perspective I must commend you. Until recently I had gone out with women that were too self involved and had no time to explore my interests. I would take interest in their interests but it wasn’t reciprocated. The key to a strong relation ship is communication and keeping the fire going, easier said then done. Great write up Allie!
November 5th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
This is only a preliminary snippet of what is to come perhaps. Or perhaps I won’t even bother dwelling on how I feel about what was written. I’m sorting through a mental list of comments I have and will keep it short:
This post was absolutely bullshit.
To think that a decent guy would just want a girl to play dumb, submissive and make him pies is not respectful to the guy himself. I think that you set yourself back about 60 years or so.
There are more important things in life than wearing a tank top and a mini skirt or having your crotch shaved at all times. My husband wants to bang me day and night, shaved or not and why is that? Because he loves me, doesn’t care about those superficial things AND he has a penis. Please re-title that segment “High-Maintenance”; it would be more suitable.
Practice what you preach.
November 5th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Hey Lindsay!
First of all, I didn’t know you had a blog! So I’m going to check it out from now on. I haven’t hung out with you in ages. Also, I’m glad you spoke your mind because most people don’t have the balls to do so. I know my post isn’t going to rub everyone the right way.
I definitely don’t want women to play dumb. As I mentioned in my post, I think intelligent conversation is important. I feel my post was more about women I see every day who beat down on their guys and emasculate them. I don’t see many of those relationships working out in the long run. And yes, I know it’s a pretty traditional, not modern way of thinking, but I think I’m okay with that. I’m glad that as a woman I can vote, speak my mind, dress how I want. But I don’t think that exercising my feminist rights means I should beat down on a man.
It’s true that your significant other should love you and want to be with you no matter if you shave/wax or not, or whatever
. But I think it can add some excitement and I think it also shows respect to your partner to not “let yourself go”. However you do that (whether it is staying active, showering, waxing, dressing up, brushing your hair, wearing his favourite t-shirt on you etc) doesn’t matter, but that you are making an effort to still impress each other once in a while.
I feel I do practice what I preach. If I don’t/if I’m missing something, please let me know. I could use some honesty and constructive criticism.
Other than this post, I hope you’re doing well!
Allie
November 5th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I gotta admit, I love freedom of speech.
November 5th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
wow, it must have taken you a really long time what that. don’t you think that time could have been better spent helping your man with the housework, making him dinner, getting a bikini wax or giving him a lap dance?
November 5th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Well, we watched the game together and we had leftovers from the dinner I made last night, so I think I did okay… didn’t take too long to write the post. I think my trip photo posts actually take longer since I have to go through all the photos.
Thanks for dropping by!
On another note, it seems people have really missed the point of my post, but I guess that is to be understood.
November 5th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
This advice applies equally well to men.
Hopefully, this time I’ve found someone that is right for me. This time around, I did take the time to figure out what type of person I wanted to be with.
I do my best to keep myself clean, shave everyday, etc. Men stop doing this stuff just as often as women do.
I love to cook and we both have fairly flexible work schedules. So, I try to cook when I can or surprise her by taking her out to a restaurant or an event.
I think this is stuff that good people naturally do.
November 5th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
That was… different, I gotta say. I get what you mean about the treats/maintennance part, but I also can see why it’s become such a trigger point in the responses, probably on how it’s been worded? I know there are plenty of guys with incredibly delicate egos that shatter when their girl sticks up with her own opinion (and won’t back down – she is entitled to her own view of things after all); but I know I’d rather have a *partner* in life and not a … barbie girl. I cook, I do laundry, etc; I’m in for a world of hurt if I expect to do much less of those things the moment I’m moved in with someone!
I do kind of wish you included in your post about how the single girls out there need to, well, open their eyes a bit more… Maybe notice that gee, there ARE great guys availible, and some were trying to get their attention. Though that’s more of a Vancouver “DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH STRANGERS” cultural trait. Eh.
November 5th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
From the comments it definitely looks like you hit a note with this one. From another guys perspective, it really isn’t that hard to keep us happy. I’m sure many have seen ‘the list’ which shows what guys need and what girls need..with guys only really needing like 3 things in which you’ve touched upon all of them for the most part (food, sex, appreciation/admiration). Nice analysis, you’ve nailed it – though much of what you said is thinking with a clear head…being in the relationship and doing so is always a bit more challenging
November 5th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
As the Big Bopper said, “You know what I like!”
November 5th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Brave and interesting post, Allie. I agree with some of what you said there, but some of it not at all. You’re entitled to your opinions of course (and you do state that they are only your opinions), but I think that addressing it as an open letter to all women is what’s acting as such a trigger point! (At least for me)
The definition of Feminism is “the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men”. It doesn’t mean “Ra ra, we’re better than men and we can treat them like dirt”, it just means pro equality. (I could be wrong, but I got the impression that you are interpreting it as something a lot more extreme than that). Personally, I’m pro equality and as such proud to call myself a feminist. Ahem, a MODERATE feminist.
I like what you had to say about keeping it interesting and doing the things you love together. And as for not beating him down – I agree with you 100%! No man OR woman would want that. If we don’t respect each other, we’re all doomed.
But oh dear…I do have some problems with your “maintenance” phase. In particular, “women need to be slightly more submissive”.
To be fair, that probably does work for some people. But it depends on that type of woman you are and the type of man you want to be with. I DO believe there is a balance there, and I’m obviously not some kind of freaking army sergeant chick, but making a point to be submissive to please your man if that’s not who you are…it won’t work. First, it assumes that every man is into that — which isn’t true. (Mike’s post proves that) I believe in being yourself, and if you’re not a submissive person then why pretend to be something you’re not? If he’s not attracted to you as the woman you are, then it’s not going to last. For example if I suddenly threw some submission into my relationship, my boyfriend would probably wonder where Christine went. And if I kept it up long enough, he’d leave me because I would no longer be the girl he fell in love with. That said, if that’s who you are and that comes naturally to you and you’re with a man who wants that, by all means do what makes you happy. And as for being hairless, well…if a man leaves me because I didn’t wax, then I’m better off without him. He’s not with me because I’m hairless, he’s with me because I’m me! If I choose to be hairless, it won’t be because of fear of losing a man.
So yeah, I disagree with a lot of this post. I’d be less inclined to comment so harshly if it was only your own personal guidelines (which of course you’re entitled to and I respect) and not as something for all women. I don’t mean for this to sound too harsh, I totally still love you and you’re awesome.
November 5th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
i’ve been thinking a lot about something else you said a long time ago that i never felt i gave a proper reply to. you said, after reading my old blog, that we “would’ve (could’ve?) been great friends”. i was really surprised that you said it but not surprised that you felt that way, i guess, and couldn’t come up with a timely reply on msn.
after reading your blog these days AND the latest post, i just want to say (and here’s the proper reply), i agree, we can totally be great friends
November 5th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
really interesting article allie, hope to see more stuff like this on your blog (not that i don’t like the surfing pictures!). half of me wants to commend the things you’ve said, but then the other half realizes that i’ve been guilty of not doing half of the stuff the male equivalent of this article would suggest.
there are obviously many different types of relationships.. some of the things you’ve suggested just wouldn’t work out for some of them.. hell, some could be considered too misogynistic. but you seem like you’ve got a pretty good head on your shoulders, so i’m definitely not going to focus the attributes in your post towards anything negative like that.
you almost chronologically mention these aspects of finding and then maintaining a good relationship, and i think that so long as you have that (for lack of a better word) special person to share your life with, every else you’ve mentioned will only strengthen that bond, and whether these acts seem stereotypical or misogynistic or whatever negative connotation one wants to attach to them… if you’ve got an amazing girl/guy who brings you beer on the couch/ice cream in bed… it can’t do anything but help.
again, very interesting piece of writing, look forward to more.
November 5th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
It just occurred to me a possible reason why you shy away the term “Feminist” – I think you equate that word with its more extreme form: A “Feminazi” – those are the scary gals that make the rest of the feminist movement look bad; raging against the “man” in “human” and “woman” (c’mon – it’s not a sign of strength if you feel like a spelling ‘fix’ will change everything for the better.)
By saying you’re not a feminist is a bit of an extreme; as feminism got the right to vote, have equal jobs (or at least still fighting for equal fairness in the workplace/wages), and all the other rights & improvements in culture women (and men) have been struggling to fix. It wasn’t that long ago in the span of human history that being a girl meant that your life was predetermined to “staying in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.” A lot of parts of the world are unfortunately still in that horrible mindset…
Sorry Allie, not to come across as a railing against your post, I just felt that you backed away from the word ‘Feminist’ for the wrong reasons (backing away from Feminazism, oh yes, who wouldn’t?)
November 5th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
I actually think your analysis is pretty bang on… at least that’s my experience. It’s not to say I’m all that good in the ‘doing for’ department, though. I’m grateful my husband hasn’t run screaming in the opposite direction yet.
November 5th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Some one reads the “good book”
.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I don’t know Allie, that just sounds like too much work…and I don’t see any guaranteed investment lol…but it’s nice to see a post like this, most berate men for not doing enough for their significant others.
I am totally not willing to do most of the things you mentioned but then again I’m more interested in my own career than anything else (well, at least I can admit it!), I guess you just really have to meet something you find worthy until you’re willing to do things for and give up parts of yourself for, willingly, then your perspective changes. Not to say that you’re giving up parts of yourself – you definitely are your own person!
But the person you are today is affected by your bf? Hmm I’m thinking out loud so I better stop, but wanted to leave a thoughtful comment for you
Anyways, I’m glad you found someone, and that most importantly, you are happy with you who are, and who you are with.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Wow!
I came upon your site after googling “Buggo”
I had that nickname back in the 70′s…
Your “open letter to women” is fantastic! I am so sick of being the supportive psychologist to women who treat a man only as her “necessary affliction”.
You it seems, have the maturity and passion (I don’t mean sexual)to keep a relationship new and fresh! I, also start out like that, till I’m mentally drained by women who live to whine about their life’s shortcomings rather than work towards improving it.
I applaud you and only wish I find a woman like U.
Cheers!
Bud
September 7th, 2010 at 10:21 am
Hi Allie,
I know this is an old post but I stumbled upon it online. I agree with a lot of what you have said here. I think you should do a follow up with “an open letter to all men” to equal things out and give the guys some pointers of what they can do to keep their relationships fresh.