A CALL FOR SINCERITY
It’s time for a rant.
Every city has its own personality, culture, and social norms. Vancouver is a tricky one to define.
Vancouver has always been my home. Born and raised here, and lived here for the majority of my life. Still, I’ve had brief living stints in Sydney (Australia), London (Ontario), and Toronto (Ontario)… and spent extended vacations in LA and Seattle. And perhaps I am biased or have exposure to only certain groups of people in Vancouver… but I’ve noticed that there is a distinct lack of sincerity in Vancouver compared to other cities I have visited or lived in. Perhaps it is not even the city… perhaps it is a function of our generation or how we communicate through technology or even inherent Canadian behaviour. I’m not sure.
Here’s my problem in general: I’ve noticed a growing trend of people making promises or commitments without really meaning to keep them.
How many times have you heard the following?:
- Hey, let’s do lunch sometime.
- We should hang out!
- Oh, I’ll totally see you there.
- I’ll get back to you about that.
- I’ll shoot you an e-mail soon.
And the list goes on. Many of us are guilty of it — myself included — although in the past year I’ve really been trying to cut down on it.
So, People of Vancouver (and everywhere), here is what I propose: Let’s be sincere. Let’s do what we say we are going to do. And let’s say what we really mean.
SUGGESTIONS FOR BEING SINCERE
1. Learn to say ‘no’.
It seems simple, but it’s not. I feel like deep inside, us Canadians don’t really like to say ‘no’. We feel like it’s not nice to say no to other people. However, I’ve noticed that this is happening more and more: Person A invites Person B to an event. Person A is organizing the event, and needs to know how many people can go, for a number of various reasons (cost, headcount, reservations etc). Rather than tell Person A “No, I can’t go..”, Person B instead avoids Person A. Avoiding picking up the phone, texts, e-mails etc. So this is what I am telling all my friends: Just tell me NO. I won’t be offended if you can’t make it to something. I will still invite you to the next event. I won’t think you are a bad friend. All I am asking for, is for you to respect me enough to tell me the truth. And please, let me know as early as possible.
More often than not, when invited to something… whether it is a coffee date or a huge fundraiser… people know almost immediately whether or not they are likely to go. So just be honest. If you want to go, then say you can go and keep your word. But if you can’t go or even if you are on the fence, then just let me know the truth. Say, “You know, I’m probably not going to go so you should take me off the list. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”
2. Keep your word.
This one is actually simple. If you’ve committed yourself to something, then keep your word and go. Don’t extend fake commitments like “We should hang out!” unless you really want to, and are willing to go ahead and propose a date and time.
You will respect yourself much more for doing so, and so will your friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and family members. Plus, you won’t have to deal with the guilt when you flake out on something. Besides, it’ll be easier to keep your word since you will have less engagements after learning to say ‘no’, right? 
3. Don’t burn yourself out.
My guess is the number one reason people flake out on each other, is because they are burnt out. Too much to do, too many appointments, too many parties or dates… your calendar just seems chock full. If you’re overwhelming yourself with things to do, you’re not getting enough “you” time. Time to sit on the couch, to meditate, to do yoga, or just to do the little things that you love to do… for yourself. If you can keep yourself balanced between your needs and your social network’s needs, then it goes a long way to both parties being very happy. Limit your engagements to the things you really want to do, and your friends and your body (and peace of mind) will thank you for it.
4. If you must use technology to communicate, then use it in a straightforward way.
With Facebook, Messenger, Twitter, online event sites, even e-mail… it’s easy to commit to things when you don’t really intend on going. It will make it easier on everyone if you use technology in a clear way. For example, on a Facebook invite… try to select “Attending” or “Not Attending” rather than “Maybe Attending”. “Maybe Attending” just confuses the person who is organizing the event, and really cheats yourself on being clear on whether it is going to be something you commit to, or not. Basically, it’s a cop-out. Just choose yes or no. Try not to instinctively commit to things over other electronic mediums like SMS, Messenger, Twitter, etc unless you are absolutely sure your schedule is clear and you really want to go. If you can, call your friend or talk to them in person to confirm so they know you are serious about going or not going.
5. Tell the truth.
Being really honest with each other is something that I’ve noticed a lack of in Vancouver. When people leave events early, they say things like “Oh, I have to work early tomorrow” but what they really mean is, “I’m tired and want to get home to watch the episode of Glee that I recorded on my PVR.” When people give excuses for not going on events, they say “I can’t get the time of work” or “I’m busy that weekend” rather than just saying, “You know, I can’t really afford this right now.” Some people even say, “I can’t really afford this right now” when what they mean is, “I don’t want to go.” I think that we all have the ability to be mature and are able to accept the real truth. So tell your friends the truth. Chances are, they won’t be offended and they will more likely understand why you can’t go or why you have to leave. You will gain a reputation for integrity, and sincerity. I always appreciate honesty, even if it isn’t what I want to hear.
So that’s it folks. 5 simple steps… do you think you can do it? I have been making the commitment to myself to be sincere over the past year, but writing this blog post solidifies even more to myself how I am going to be sincere.
I honestly think that if more people made the commitment to be sincere, the world would be a better place. We would have closer friends, our coworkers would respect us more, and our reputations would be intact. It would make life more fun, and lead to better events and organization… and you know what? At the end of the day I think we could look in the mirror and feel a lot better about ourselves.
Can you make the commitment to be sincere?
Tags: appointments, behaviour, challenge, commitments, engagements, happiness, human nature, sincere, Sincerity, social network, theory, Vancouver
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January 21st, 2010 at 1:01 pm
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I agree 100%.
I constantly preach sincerity and what I call “Being legit”.
Not to self promote or plug my own blog, but it’s a funny coincidence I wrote a piece about Granville Island Brewery. If you have a sec, take a quick peak.
http://admrebak.blogspot.com/2009/12/be-legit.html
Cheers Allie
January 21st, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Great post, Allie! I made a similar blog post recently. For me, my lack of accountability has two factors:
1. I don’t always know when a depressive mood will strike or my husband and I will have a fight or something else life related will happen and then, consequently, have to back out of plans. I am an intensely private person and don’t have these types of discussions with friends/acquaintances.
2. I want people to like me. If I say “no”, I think that will have future repercussions.
January 21st, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Dear Allie,
I *love* this post. You know me, even if I’m over-committed already, if I promise you I’ll show up, I will come-hell-or-high-water.
I promised myself that in 2010 I would mostly focus on myself. That said, and I say this honestly, I really want to hang out with you again. So that means, let’s do it soon!
January 21st, 2010 at 1:19 pm
After reading this, I feel like I should apologize for not coming to your most recent party.
I hear you though. I’ve been a bit ticked about the same things. General flakiness and people who seem to revel in being too busy to make plans to get together.
January 21st, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Well done Allie!!! Great post and if you don’t mind I want to borrow some of your thoughts and ideas (giving you full credit of course) and put it in my blog. You have given me so much to think about and be sincere about.
January 21st, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Yep, I think we’re all guilty of this sometimes. I know I try very hard not to be (and end up saying “no” to lots of things).
I find it immensely frustrating as well, not only when people say they will show up and don’t, but the infuriating “maybe” from those who are afraid something better might come up.
I think sometimes our “west-coast casual” attitudes get a little too casual when it comes to manners.
January 21st, 2010 at 1:43 pm
People are just plan out rude these days.
If someone takes their time to put you on the guest list you should at least say sorry I can’t make it out but have a great one, even if you just don’t want to go.
I really wish there was away on facebook to make it so you have to write why you picked “No not attending” and have the option to have “Maybe” not listed.
I don’t mind if people leave early if they aren’t having fun then its their fault for not mingling. But its those who tweet after they leave saying why they left need to be smacked with something sharp or very dull.
So Allie.. you changing that Maybe to a Yes for my birthday dinner?
January 21st, 2010 at 1:43 pm
I know I’m guilty of way too many times
My work just pretty much has consumed my life and I really would love to hang out with so many wonderful people (Allie you being one of them) but I just can ‘t seem to find the time. I know I have been a shitty friend so thanks for this post, it has shed some light for me. I guess I need to be more like Raul 
How is Vancouver, I’m pretty much on the East Coast full time now, and am gonna miss the Olympics so yeah such is life. I miss the city!
January 21st, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Bravo for the post Allie! To be honest I was expecting something more controversial.
I’ve already begun to just hit ‘No’ on the invitations thing instead of ‘maybe.’ Unless it was a specific-headcount sort of event, I’ve realized that if I have a change of heart or some free time opens up, a good surprise appearance is better than an ambiguous “is he coming or not?” vibe.
I would like to add one little addendum to the saying No/giving a reason – just that if someone says they’re not coming/interested, take their word at it, and not an invitation to keep asking/expecting them to say yes eventually. No one likes to be “worn down” into submission!
Thanks for the post, Allie!
January 21st, 2010 at 2:17 pm
I’ve lived in a number of places, and there is indeed something about Vancouver…. It seems to me more about people not wanting to commit? As if afraid to give up a little of themselves rather than making fixed plans and keeping them. Here’s hoping for change!
January 21st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Amen,
How many times I’ve head : “I’ll talk to you later” and never headr back of the person. Why not simply say “No”.
I’ve always commited myself to things but it’s always a displeasure to see people not commit themselves. I’m happy you talked about that because I’m not originally from Vancouver, not even Canadian so I don’t really have a voice here.
January 21st, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Sounds like a reformed smoker. I’d guess if you were insincere, you gravitated to that crowd.
I haven’t had your experience in Vancouver over the last 40 years. Congratulations on the new you.
January 21st, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Hi Allie,
Wow, I can totally relate to this post! It isnt a Vancouver thing, it isnt even a Canadian thing, I’m currently in Australia and I have been frustrated lately about the same situation. People dont seem to stand behind their word anymore, and that is such a shame!
Here’s to 2010 being a more sincere year for everyone!
January 21st, 2010 at 2:36 pm
As a (London, Ontario, recently moved to Toronto) Canadian I am SO. GUILTY. I guess I believe that it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Recently I skipped a friend’s birthday party because I knew it would be a drunken debacle in a shady end of town with her boyfriend’s young, immature friends… instead I played Trivial Pursuit with my inlaws. I knew when she invited me that I didn’t want to go but I couldn’t say that, could I? I dunno. It’s tricky. She would have REALLY appreciated it if I was there, too. Not my finest moment!
January 21st, 2010 at 2:38 pm
I really do think that people have more trouble being honest these days because gadget-communication and online communication allows for things like avoiding people, ignoring messages, stating intentions that you don’t hold yourself up to, and so on…I’ve been told there was similar controversy when phones first arrived (land-line phones), because of how it seemed to create ‘distance’ between people. Rather than stepping out somewhere together, you could talk over a land-line, yet miss things like facial expressions and body language. So the connectedness felt reduced.
I think cell phones and online communication – though it’s allowed us to be more expressive to a general public/group, has significantly reduced our personal approaches to friendships, and behaviours within them. I think it’s also because we now have access to people we’re not as significantly tied to, it makes us feel more pressure, gives us more invites and opportunities to screw up, rather than having maybe five close friends that we call or hang out with on a regular basis without fail.
I think now, making a phone call saves so much time, confusion and passive communication. If you call someone, it has to result in something. They’re forced to answer your questions right away (haha I’m making it sound a little creepy now), whereas everytime I’ve tried to organize things through email or facebook I’ve run into those same issues. Of course, with large events it’s impossible to call everyone. At the end of the day though, true friends should come through no matter what, and I think that’s what matters most.
Thanks for the honest post! It was refreshing.
January 21st, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Its not just Vancouver. Its just as bad if not worse here in good old Los Angeles.
January 21st, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Hmmmm I agree with your message but would urge a little bit of understanding about how easy it is to be overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that just must be done in this day and age. There are a few events I would love to go to, try to go to but it ends up not being in the cards. Do you think this problem is unique to Vancouver or our generation? Interesting observations either way..
January 21st, 2010 at 4:28 pm
While I agree that sincerity will make the world a better place, I also think that a bit of forgiveness is needed for last minute changes in plans. I often feel terrible for canceling on friends with really short notice, but sometimes life happens that derails your plans.
Today for example I tried to honour my schedule commitments and even had some ‘me’ time penciled in this evening, and I had thought that my daughter was over her flu and proceeded with my day. A few minutes ago, a pretty disastrous and unexpected thing happened that.. well, involved a lot of washing up afterwards.. I regretted sticking to my pride and my time commitments when I should have been paying more attention to my child’s needs. I had to cancel my evening plans even though I had very good intentions to spend time with friends, not to mention cancel my babysitter at the last minute.
It was not that my intentions were bad or my sincerity was flawed. I guess I just ask for forgiveness and understanding when plans fall short of the mark.
Great post, Allie.
January 21st, 2010 at 6:11 pm
hahahaaa…i love it… i totally agree, being from Seattle now in LA i couldnt agree more!
January 21st, 2010 at 10:42 pm
Great post Allie. I think you’re right, a lot of us Vancouverites just don’t know how to say no. It’s ok to say no when you can’t commit to something. Sometimes it almost feels like Vancouverites are more “fake” than other people in the rest of the country. Maybe it’s the west coast hippie life style? Hard to explain the root cause of this.
January 22nd, 2010 at 12:55 am
I love this post and accept the admonishment. I’m totally guilty of #3 often. Not sure that it’s a Vancouver thing though. Might be.
January 22nd, 2010 at 8:57 am
Amen, Allie. I really admire your self awareness. I spent a lot of time trying to please everyone when I was in my twenties and thirties, and it drove me crazy. It was only when I hit 40 that I realized I needed to be honest with myself and my friends, and to start saying “No”. It’s not about being mean, it’s about honoring yourself and others by getting “real”. Stop the “Let’s get together soon” madness!
January 22nd, 2010 at 1:05 pm
Excellent idea. Although it goes both ways, and my friends don’t always respectively understand when I tell them I’m not going. They give me a hard time, call me weak…I need new friends
But I have to be honest with them otherwise the guilt I feel trying to think of reasonable way out of something wastes too much energy.
January 22nd, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Is this because I declined our meeting? Please give me a second chance, and I’ll try harder.
Good post, I think it’s partially the Canadian thing, plus we are all over-booked, over-caffeinated and overly friendly.
January 22nd, 2010 at 11:56 pm
Recently moved from Toronto to Vancouver, I can tell you this is not only Vancouver’s problem. I think the people here are more genuine and definitely nicer than in Toronto. People adore children here whereas in Toronto they step on them.
January 23rd, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Kudos. A while back, I ran a blog called Marketing Ruined My Life. While it ended up being a marketing-centric site, the inspiration behind the name came from how wrapped up everyone (myself included) has become in being polite about networking.
“Oh yes, let’s definitely have lunch! Let’s reconnect!”
And just as you say, nothing happens.
You know what’s a good way to network and be honest at the same time? Qualify that coffee. Set objectives for the meeting. If you guys can’t think of any, write an email and connect on Twitter.
January 24th, 2010 at 7:18 am
Sincerity is a very very important thing !
But not always easy. =)
Anyway, I try to be sincere all the time. =)
January 26th, 2010 at 2:49 am
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January 27th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Great post, Allie! I share your frustration with this. That said, I do think that sometimes a “maybe” is okay as long as you let the organizer know why…sometimes there are valid reasons for not being sure, but just leaving them hanging isn’t cool. There’s definitely a lot to be said for just being up front!
As a side note, I think a lot of people do the “maybe” thing for events that have a massive guest list – if you see that 400 people are invited to something, it can seem a lot less personal so they don’t feel bad for being flaky. It’s still lame, though.
May 19th, 2010 at 10:46 am
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June 2nd, 2010 at 9:40 pm
Been living in abroad for 10 months. There’s a large Vancouver contingent in our city and they’re by far known as the flakiest of the foreigner bunch.
They make plans with plenty of notice and then break ‘em at the last minute or the don’t show at all. It seems the rest of the world can keep their commitments no problem. But people from that city have got to learn some basic decency.
April 12th, 2011 at 3:04 am
I’ve traveled all over the world and met people from hundreds of different countries and cultures. Trust me insincerity is not a quality which is peculiar to people from Vancouver.
September 22nd, 2011 at 3:55 am
I don’t think insincerity is limited to Vancouver, having lived on the East Coast for most of my adult life, I can assure you that there are plenty of truly insincere people here as well. Even with your slightly negative review of your city, I must admit it remains high on my list of cities I most want to visit.