THE RIGHT REASONS
Bear with me. This is going to be a very personal post.
Now that I’m 25, and have been in a long-term relationship for 3 years with Allan, I’m getting sick of people asking me if I want to get married and have kids.
To be honest, it’s a totally intimidating idea. My answer is always the same: Yes, I want to get married eventually but not now, and I’m pretty sure I never want to have kids.
The look is always the same, too. Utter shock and surprise. Is it really that bad that I don’t want to have children? Does that make me some kind of cold-hearted robot?
Yes, Allan and I have talked about marriage… but we both want to wait for the right time. We’re both in the middle of our careers and we want to pay off some debt before we start a new life together. Also – to me marriage is about making a commitment and working at it no matter what happens. It’s a big deal. 3-5 years away would be a good timeline. I’ve seen a lot of couples jump into it too early and end up unhappy. Basically, I’m not in any rush. I’m still young. I love him, and I love our life together right now.
Having kids is a whole new different ballgame. I like our lifestyle. I love being able to go surf and snowboard and go on trips whenever we want. Is this selfish? I love being able to go out during the week or the weekend and not have to worry about a babysitter. I can see the attraction behind having little “you”’s running around… little surfers and snowboarders and someone to take care of. But I don’t think living vicariously through them, wanting to have clones of yourself, or having kids just to fill a gap in your relationship are the right reasons to have children. What are the right reasons, anyway?
We both want to keep working full-time jobs in the video game industry. I can’t imagine having a child and not staying home with them. I feel like it would be difficult to provide my children with the type of life I’d want them to have. How could we possibly have kids and pay for education AND still go out and do all the activities we love to do. It’s a big sacrifice.
I know several couples who have decided not to have children and they are now in their 50s and they are living it up! They have no regrets (as far as I can tell from talking to them) and they are incredibly happy with each other. And totally not stressed compared to the parents I know.
Still – a lot of people say having kids is the best thing that has ever happened to them. Sometimes I wonder who they are trying to convince… me, or themselves? And a lot of people say NOT having kids is the best thing that has ever happened to them! So confusing.
So, it’s out there now, on my very public blog. Dear Mom: Don’t kill me.
So, what do you think? Am I a bad person for not wanting to have kids and get married right away? Is this an age thing where I’ll change my mind later (I doubt it)? Are you a parent? Was it worth it? Do you want kids? If so – why? If not – why not?
Tags: discussions, Kids, life, Marriage, parenting, questions, thoughts
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March 26th, 2010 at 11:08 am
I’m a parent of a 3 month old, and I can say it was 100% worth it. Through all the sleepless nights, random crying, and uncertainty, it all pays off when our little man smiles at us after a good stretch of sleep, or when he learns something new like seeing himself in the mirror. That being said, it’s not something to enter into lightly. It’s a ton of work, a complete 180 lifestyle change, and at times (and we’ve only been through 3 months of his life!) completely overwhelming. So I can totally understand your trepidations. I don’t think it’s selfish – in fact it would be selfish to have children for the wrong reasons, as you’d be doing your innocent child a disservice. So after all that rambling, I’d say to stick to your guns, as you and Allan know best what’s right for you. And don’t worry about others – no matter what you do, someone’ll disagree with your decision, but as long as you and your soulmate are on the same page, it’s all good…
March 26th, 2010 at 11:08 am
I have two daughters. And i know a lot of people that have kids, and dont have kids. I really think it is just about you and your boyfriend. What is best for you. You dont need to have kids, or you dont need to get married to feel “complete” I as a parent would not give them up for anything. As young as i can remember i was always wanting to take care of other people. So being a Mom for me was just in my nature- But if it is not- there is nothing wrong with that. I would only be so lucky to go away for the weekends- Have quiet time with my partner. HAHA But my daughters saying they love me, is pretty cool too. So there are pro’s and con’s to both. But your still young. you have years ahead of you to decide what you want to do. Until then- HAVE FUN!
March 26th, 2010 at 11:12 am
I don’t think you are a bad person for not wanting to have kids, but rather very smart. Personally I feel the same way and most of my friends in the same age group as you and I agree. Having kids is not only a big sacrifice but also a huge responsibility. After all another human being’s life is at stake, so the responsibility shouldn’t be taken lightly.
In this day and age, having a kid to make yourself feel better or have “something” to show for your life is a selfish decision! To be honest, looking around me I rarely spot couples that are right for the job and majority have fallen into the trap by accident.
March 26th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Having children is ALOT of work . . . heck, being married is ALOT of work . . . but both of them are totally worth it. After marrying my hubby, we waited 7 years to have children . . . we ‘practiced’ making kids lots, we played, we had fun. We got to know each other even better. Then we thought, what could be better than this? Ah, yes . . . mini-me’s! Our girls, now aged 6 & almost 3, are the joys of our lives, our laughter, our complete hearts. They’re the perfect completion of us. Do I occaisonally want to pull my hair out? Do I want to scream at the top of my lungs to save myself from inevitable insanity? Do I just want for *once* want to be able to go #2 without an audience? Of course . . but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Always follow your heart, it will take you to the right places. 
March 26th, 2010 at 11:23 am
Don’t feel bad Allie. That ‘guilt’ comes from anti-feminist ideas devised decades ago, which are very quickly losing their power these days. I know many wonderful, independent women who have chosen not to have children. I might add that they look fabulous and I greatly envy their DINK-y cash flow.
The social pressure to make “the right choice” doesn’t stop at whether or not you get married and have a kid.. I’m feeling hugely pressured to have a second child, NOW. Where does it end!
Personally, I am grateful that women in our generation are free to make the choices that suit themselves individually. I think that the only wrong reason to make a life choice would be, “because so-and-so told me to”. I’ve *always* known that I wanted to be a mother, since I was little, so the choice for me was easy. (Giving up my social life and sacrificing my career to stay home with Sophie has been hard, but we’ve accepted it as part of the package deal.)
You probably already have your answer in your heart if you look for it. If you can envision yourself at 50 and not regretting having children, then I think you have the proper perspective to make the right decision for yourself.
Sorry for the short essay, this stuff has been on my mind a lot lately because of the whole ‘second kid’ thing.
March 26th, 2010 at 11:27 am
Hey Allie – I’m almost 33 and I don’t want kids. I enjoy my life quite a lot without children. My decision is helped along by my mom who tells me not to have children and kind of wishes she didn’t have children. I’m completely okay with that. She did and I’m here, so that’s fine.
I was 27 when I got married after living with my husband since we were 22. It’s great and I’m happy to be married, but not a lot changed when I got married, since we already lived together and had a life together, so marriage definitely isn’t required.
March 26th, 2010 at 11:29 am
I’m with you too Allie – I have no real desire to give up my lifestyle in favour of raising children. I don’t particularly LIKE kids to begin with, and I certainly do not want to be responsible for their happiness (I don’t think they’d be too happy!)
That said, whenever I think about it, I think about how great a dad Jordan would be – and how unfair it is of me to deprive some potential child of such a great father (even if it gets stuck with a crazy mom). I don’t particularly think I’ll change my mind about this either. I decided back when I was 18 – and the penny dropped – that I didn’t want children. I kept talking about when I grew up, got married and had kids.. and then stopped myself and thought “wait a sec.. why would I do that? because it’s what’s ‘done’? I don’t want that”. And that was that – no more including them in my plans. And I think I’m all the better for it because I’m not in a rush to live my life before I sacrifice it to my offspring. I know I have my entire lifetime to do whatever it is I want.
And for the cuddles, I have a cat.
March 26th, 2010 at 11:33 am
Not getting married any time soon, and also no desire to have kids. I think they sell Team No-Babies shirts in Vancouver don’t they?
http://blog.deliciousjuice.com/about/team-no-babies/
March 26th, 2010 at 11:38 am
I’m 25 as well and will be celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary this year. I don’t recommend getting married that young for everyone. My husband and I have had some pretty extreme hardships as a result, but I wouldn’t take it back for anything. We also had to put a lot our own goals on the back burner and they’re still sitting there!
In regards to kids, I always thought I didn’t want any till this year. Like you, we enjoyed our freedom. We moved to Hawaii the day after we got married. We had never been here before, had no jobs lined up, but we were young and didn’t have anything holding us back. We also like to take yearly trips to Tahoe for snowboarding, we met in Pakistan as high schoolers (he’s Canadian and I’m from the U.S.) so we love traveling the world as much as possible. The desire to have kids came to both of us this year like a natural instinct. I also think my husband and I waited and worked on our marriage first before throwing children into the mix. Now when we do have children we hope to still be able to do the things we love and have them be a part of that.
I don’t think you’re a bad person at all. I think we’re all individuals and what works for one person, won’t for another. It seems like you’re lucky enough to have a partner who shares the same ideals as you.
March 26th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
I’ve always knew I wanted kids. It’s just something in you, where you just know sometimes, I guess. Of course I wanted marriage + 3.5 kids. But reality is that life throws you curveballs,and here I am…a single parent with 2 kids. But I don’t regret nothing. I think with relationships, you take things day by day. You can’t predict what will happen in the future. You just make the best decisions you can at the moment. And I think you and Alan knows what is best for you both as a couple.
I have many friends who pride themselved as D.I.N.K.’s (Double Income No Kids). My good friend is in her 40′s, and she’s completely happy being an Auntie, and being able to go on exotic vacations twice a year.
I had a conversation with my mom (who is 60 now). We’re chatting and suddenly she throws out: “If I had to do it again, I never would of had kids.” Of course my first reaction was “Heeeeeeeeeeey!!!” LOL. But what she meant was that she would not have gotten married so early at 21. Maybe she never would of had kids. Maybe she may have had them down the road. Who knows. But she regrets that she didn’t get to do more things for herself.
March 26th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
You’re definitely not crazy for feeling that way, and you’re definitely not alone! I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 11 years now and lived with him for 4…I do want to get married to him at some point, but as someone else commented: what would change, really? My guess is not a lot. Marriage will happen when it happens and when it’s right. If you’re not in a hurry then don’t sweat it!
As far as kids go, don’t have them unless YOU want to. You’re young, and you may find yourself changing heart as you get older, but who knows. I’m 28 and I have friends who are starting to have children, but I can’t related to wanting that at this stage in my life. Long term I think I might like to have kids, but if I had to choose between now and never I’d choose never. I’m just not ready, or interested right now.
Also worth noting, is that many of the young parents I know have at least 1 partner who wasn’t doing much career-wise…so I can’t help but wonder if sometimes it’s a matter of “why not?”. I hate to say it but it’s a lot easier to give up a life you don’t love so much – it’s a way bigger sacrifice when you have a great career and full life to begin with.
If you’re having fun, then just enjoy it.
You’re young enough that you still have lots of time to change your mind if you want!
March 26th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Absolutely, positively NOT a bad person for not wanting kids. I always swore up and down that I wasn’t going to have any of my own and once I’d gotten married my sisters-in-law drove me nuts with the “you’ll change your mind someday” line. My husband agreed with me though, and was quite supportive that we didn’t need any (we have 12 nieces and nephews). My parents had friends without children and I never thought it was weird or different, it just was. So now I think the same of those in my generation who have made the same decision. It’s not for everyone.
Okay, and now the other side.. I think once you do decide to have kids, you can’t imagine your life any other way. But it’s not like you’re missing out on anything if you don’t, you’re just choosing a different path. I think kids fall into the “if it was meant to be…” category. When I was 27 and we had been married a few years we decided to stop actively trying to prevent having kids and see what happens – and of course I ended up having twins! I think I never really understood the concept of “forever” until I had a newborn – they are your responsibility for a LONG TIME.
If you choose not to have kids it doesn’t mean you don’t like them or wouldn’t have been a great parent. It just means you decided not to have kids. Period. Keep having fun and enjoy life!
March 26th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
You’d be bad person if you did not own up to your decisions and responsibilities. My philosophy in life is that you (a) make your choices, and/or (b) get dealt your hand and (most importantly) deal with it with the biggest smile you can muster. The more genuine the smile, the better, but lets face it, life tosses stinky ess, whether it a crying baby, a broken leg, an unconditional commitment, or a professional disaster, so faking it till you be making it COULD be an appropriate approach, as would occasionally being a harried old wench.
Personally, I chose to have a child. Compared to my experiences of traveling the world, backpacking in the wild, and living it up with my friends, it was definitely not the most glamorous, coolest, or invigorating thing I’d ever done. I’ve given up/postponed a lot: my career, my body, my hobbies, and occasionally my sanity.
But (and you knew there was one) I’ve gained another perspective on love and life. I loved my parents when I was a kid. And then when I had a boyfriend, heck, when I had my first love…that love was big! Even when I had my first dog, I developed a new sense of unconditional love. So when I met and married my husband, damn, love was uneffingbelievable. But when I had my baby, yowzah! I can’t believe how big that well of love grew. And I’m not speaking as one of those natural moms that embraced staying at home and breastfeeding while cooking lunch. I had life-long ideals of working-womandom shattered. I had bouts of depression and anxiety. But like I said, life tosses ess, so I kept finding ways to smile…and they are all very genuine.
I’m not saying that you can’t develop that perspective of love without having/caring for a child. I am saying that for me, that’s how I was able to develop that closer connection to love. So was it worth it? Even on 3 hours of child-interrupted sleep, I resoundingly say YES.
Thanks for setting up this forum (I’d like to high-five the DINK and pooppp audience comments) and well wishes to your choices.
March 26th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
At 25, no need to even be thinking about kids. I do have two, and I can’t imagine life without them. They’re the best thing to ever happen in my life by a factor of a kazillion.
Having said that, kids aren’t for everyone so people should just do what is right for them and stop worrying about what other people do.
March 26th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Yes…bad, bad, bad. Just Kidding. I almost forgot how much we had in common. Nathan and I have been going out for over 6 years now and I’m really happy with him. His sister recently got married and people were making comments about how we’re next or when’s the big day. It really freaks me out. In fact I think about it constantly. Is he the one? How do I know if he’s the one? How can I be a 100% sure? It scares me that after 6 years I’m still not sure. I wish I just knew. I don’t want to get married and end up like those people who are unhappy, cynical and divorced.
With regards to children, I have one, little Kunobear. I know he is just a dog but I think it is somewhat similar to a kid. I can’t say that I have no regrets or that I never wonder what it would be like to just pick up and go or to stay out without worrying if he needs to go out and use the bathroom but I do feel that he keeps me grounded and reminds me about the importance of the simplest things in life. I asked a client once how she knew that she was ready for a child and she said if you are completely satisfied with your life and you don’t feel like there’s anything missing then don’t have a kid. But for her she had everything but she still felt a missing part in her life and that’s how she knew she wanted to have a child.
Anyways, the bottom line is there’s nothing wrong with not having kids. What’s wrong would be to have them, regret having them and dump all your regrets on them.
March 26th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Children are part of the human experience. I think you would be such a wonderful mother and any child would be so lucky to have you raising them. Just saying.
I think the best reason for having a kid is because of love. All the other stuff doesn’t really matter.
Joe V
March 26th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
I’m in basically the exact same boat as you. Josh and I have been together for 6 years, living together for about 5 of those. Sure, I like the *idea* of getting married, but it really wouldn’t change anything in our day to day lives (I wouldn’t even change my last name), especially given that neither of us are especially interested in having kids now or maybe ever (we’re firmly on Team Maybe Baby).
My philosophy when it comes to whether or not to have kids is, if I don’t feel that clock tick (and I think every woman who really wants to have kids knows what that feels like), then I won’t. Period. I won’t do it because it’s something I “should” do, or because my parents want to be grandparents, or for any other reason than I know in my heart and gut that it’s what I want/need. I refuse to have a child out of guilt or obligation because that’s 1) unfair to me and 2) even more importantly, unfair to the child.
March 26th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I just wanted to add something that a friend of mine said to me the other day: She said that when she tells people that she’s not sure she’d be a good mother and she doesn’t know if she’d be good at taking care of a baby, many parents tell her “Once you have a baby, you’ll just know how to take care of it and you will love being a mom”…or things along those lines. She pointed out that if you went to the SPCA and said you really weren’t sure about dogs but hopefully once you have one you’ll love it and be able to take care of it, they sure as heck wouldn’t let you adopt one.
I don’t know if I agree with that entirely, but I thought it was an interesting way of looking at it.
March 26th, 2010 at 2:09 pm
If you’ve been living together for more than 24 months in BC, then you already are officially married (de facto, common-law)
The act of getting the piece of paper is great fun and all, but damn expensive and totally irrelevant if you’re already past 24 months of cohabitation.
As for kids, that’s a personal choice, and others should not be judging or preaching to you about your choice.
The only advice, or word of warning I would give on the topic is that I have seen some people who had made the same choice as you change their mind. Unfortunately for them, their spouses at the time did not change their mind about having children.
March 26th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
We all make our own decisions with our lives and the key is to do our best to not care what others (co-workers, friends, society) think. Because in the end you (and your partner) are the only ones who matter.
There is no cookie cutter pattern we’re “supposed” to follow.
I’ll be 28 this year and am single, and not even looking. Sure I’m going on dates and getting to know and spending time with new people. But I’m finally just learning who I am and I think that’s a lot more important right now than rushing into meeting someone who I end up settling for, marrying, and living unhappily ever after with.
What you and Allan have is pretty special, and as long as you’re happy and on the same page, that’s all that matters. Enjoy it
It’s said that everything happens for a reason, and if you change your mind one day, that’s ok too. The only thing that matters is that you’re happy.
March 26th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
First of all, THANK YOU for posting this topic! It might have made you unsure to post it because of its personal nature, but you (and the other readers) made me realize I’m not alone. I’m almost 22 and my guy’s 24, and though we’re young, I know I could never picture myself with anyone else (we’ve been together 2 years). We do the long-distance thing, as I’m finishing here at UBC and he’s already employed long-term in Pittsburgh. Recently, I found out in the same day I was a) pregnant and b) needed an abortion because it was an ectopic pregnancy. It was the worst feeling in the world…honestly. I don’t want kids for a REALLY long time, especially after watching some of my classmates keep their children after getting pregnant at 16,17,18 and 19 years-old. They have NO social life, as they all work and then beg their parents who they still live with to take care of their children. But it was an even worse feeling telling my boyfriend I was pregnant with a dead child. He’s the one out of the both of us that would be the WAY better parent…he’s certainly doted on me ever since we started dating! It’s experiences like that that want me to be able to give him a child if we ever get married. Because my boyfriend is older, I know he’s sort of thinking about getting married, which, honestly I would mind if it were a couple of years away, but like you, I’m happy with our relationship right now (except for the distance thing) and we’re not making any drastic decisions until next year when I move out to Pittsburgh. I suppose its supposed to come along naturally, but it’s tough when you have everyone and their dog telling you to get married. All I know is that the only two people that matter in that decision are me and my guy, so I try and brush off the comments. If we’re going to be together forever, why rush into marriage and kids right this second? Your post got me to think a lot more about this…I wish you only the best! Cheers.
March 26th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
As a therapist, I applaud the seriousness with which you are addressing these issues. Ah, that more people made that effort. You need to do what is right for you. That includes deciding if and when you get married or have children. Stay away from the “shoulds” of life. Don’t make those lifelong decisions just to meet someone else’s view of what they think you should do. It’s often hard to take a stance that seems unconventional to others, but it sounds like you do okay in that department.
March 26th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
No way, you’re still young. I want kids eventually, but not when I’m in my 20′s…maybe 30′s? Who knows, I’m still 19! Good luck!
March 26th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
The only thing worse than being 25 and unmarried? Being 26 and unmarried with child. Oh yeah. We get it ALL the time. We’ve basically made the choice not to get married and the baby was an accident, a wonderfully perfect accident, but an accident.
Having a child changes you for the better, it’s something that you will never understand unless you have a child – does it make a childless existence any worse? Not at all. But it does make you more aware of others, make you less selfish and all that jazz.
We never wanted a child for the same reasons – we love to travel and go out and have fun. We’re lucky to have parents that allow us two week vacas every year or so, but we can’t be as spontaneous as before.
Not to be a shameless self-promoter, but read this post: http://www.fabbrunette.com/?p=435 It’s when I realised that I’m okay with not getting married.
March 26th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Allie, you and I talked about this the last time we were out for dinner so you know some of my views on the topics. 25 is still so young and even for me, i am loving my life with no children right now. it does afford a certain lifestyle that i know my brother and sister in law can’t have. We can go to europe for weeks at a time or surf in hawaii on a whim. Yes, you can still travel with kids but it’s not the same kind of travel. And yes, you can still work with kids but some hard choices need to be made as to how to best manage that.
As for marriage, it’s pretty awesome when you can get it right =D. but with or without the marriage certificate, if you’re living together you’re basically married anyways in terms of common law so it’s really just a formality.
March 26th, 2010 at 8:00 pm
Well, You know my story.
I am proof that you may change your mind when you are older.
And proof that you can still do fun stuff.
That being said, In my opinion ….. you are 25 no reason for you guys to rush into marriage.
Have fun with each other, you guys are super lucky to have found each other so early in your lives.
And as far as Kids goes…. They are awesome but a lot of work so unless you are sure DON”T.
And in that respect there is no rush you have another 15 years.
For all the people out there asking you about the fore mentioned They need to find something more interesting to talk about. I wasnt married 15 minutes before someone asked me when we were getting pregnant and then once we Finally had C he was not even a month old when I was being asked when the next one was coming. Some people were in shock that he might be an only child and were sure that I was going to ruin him.
Long story short some people are never happy. So stick to your guns. Nobody else needs to live your life except you.
XOXOX
March 26th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Hey Allie,
You are the only one who can decide your future and it sounds like you and Allan know what you want.
Since when has what anybody else thinks mattered?
I’ll use myself as an example…my girl and I have been together for over ten years and are not having kids. We have our plans and marriage and children just don’t fit into them.
Everybody is different so live your life according to your values.
Glad you’re feeling better!
March 26th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
My surfboard and my snowboard have been collecting dust for over six years. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my old care free lifestyle. But when I go away on business trips, even short ones, all I can think about is my kids. Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done. If I had to live life over again, I’d find my wife so we can make the same three beautiful children again. I really mean it.
But that’s me and my life. Everyone’s different. I truly believe some people weren’t meant to be married or start families and no one should pressure them to do so.
March 26th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Getting married and/or having children is a personal choice that is not for everyone. Your choices may seem wrong to some people, but what the hell do they know? It’s your life and your experiences…not theirs. If we all lived our lives based on the expectations of others, then there would be a lot of discontent in the world. I say “if it ain’t broken, don’t fix it.” Also, it doesn’t make you a bad person to feel the way you do. If anything, it makes you human. And at 25, to be mature enough to know what you want and don’t want, I say you are a step ahead of a lot of people. Go on girl! ;P
March 27th, 2010 at 12:35 am
Wow! Very personal post indeed, thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I don’t have kids. Yet, I should say, because I want to have 2 or 3 one day. I’m about your age and I fully understand your struggles. I’ve invested almost 20 years into my formation/career and just to have kids and be a stay-at-home-mom wouldn’t be satisfying for me.
So my boyfriend (and future-husband) and I have made a deal. We’re going to concentrate on our careers for two or three years now and then get married and have kids. Of course, I’ll continue to work after having the kids, though this might possibly only be part-time.
But I also think it’s ok, if people don’t want kids. It’s their decision, isn’t it?
March 27th, 2010 at 4:04 am
You’re not a bad person for think in yourself.
For having children you have to be so sure and the same to get married. People use to do the establish things without think in what they really want for their lives.
I don’t know if I want to have childrens or not, I’m not sure yet, but for a relationship I have it very clear. You don’t have to get married for nothing. It’s just a paper, and you don’t need it for make your relationship known. The way you are now it’s ok if you feel it.
I know some woman who doesn’t want spend almost any time with their kids now and make everything posible to get rid of them. If you gonna have children for don’t pay any attention it’s better you don’t have any.
xxx
- Laura
March 27th, 2010 at 4:10 am
Almost everything has been said already.
I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. Some people love their way to live when they’re ‘free’ and just don’t want to change anything for make what it’s supposed people should do.
Some parents have the kids just to not being alone when they get old, and this is more selfish than not have them ’cause you are ‘condemned’ them to a life they may not want.
I don’t know if I’ll have children or if I get married someday, I don’t even think about it now. I think if you really want to make it, the thing will come to your mind and you’ll know it’s the right or wrong thing to do. I just don’t believe in a paper relationship. A real relationship is based in a lot of things that nothing have to do with this.
xxx
March 27th, 2010 at 5:09 am
“What are the right reasons, anyway?”
Well the right reasons depend on the people, the couple and the situation. So everything you listed in this post is the right reason for you and Allan to carry on as you are, and to enjoy what you’re doing. Don’t worry about those shocked looks when people ask you. Just be happy with what you’re doing, that’s what it’s all about right?
Stephen
March 27th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Wow Allie – I wish there were more women out there like you!! Bravo for sticking to your own path. I’m now in my early 30′s and it’s extremely difficult in finding similar aged women that DON’T want kids… so my choices are quite slim. Kids aren’t for everyone, and it’s not very fair to have them if you’re not willing to sacrifice everything and commit to it 100%. I know for myself that I don’t want to have kids, and I’m ok with that. Thankfully so are my folks, so I don’t get bombarded with the question all the time.
Go with your heart. Frankly, the world is quite over populated as it is, so if a few of us don’t have kids, it’s really not a bad thing. Of course, our society is very reverse-Darwin like these days, and it’s usually the ones that are least qualified that have the most children. Dumbing down of society sadly.
PS I liked that someone said above about the reason *certain* people have kids – and I’ve heard it myself – that they have them so they have someone to look after them and they don’t grow old alone. I agree wholeheartedly this is waaaaaay more selfish than saying you don’t want kids because you want to live life to the fullest and have independence to whatever you like.
Cheers
March 27th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
In the “wanting kids” department…
I just always knew that I wanted kids and have a partner who felt the same. So we make it work and have 2 beautiful daughters that bring us lots of joy, frustration and everything in between! But we wouldn’t have it any other way.
I think you have to go with your gut on this one. And if it’s really important for you to have (or not have) kids it is crucial that your partner feels the same.
March 27th, 2010 at 8:47 pm
Allie,
Good on you for asking the “why.” So many young newlyweds and parents don’t.
I’m 39, unmarried, and no kids. I am an AWESOME aunt (see: http://www.babble.com/elizabeth-gilbert-committed-marriage/), and it’s been a lifestyle of my choosing.
Only you know in your heart what you want, and you can change your mind if and when what you want changes. For now, for anyone prying with those questions, you can happily tell them to sod off and MYOB. =)
March 27th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
I just turned 36 and have been married for 13 years and we have four beautiful children. But, this is my life….and yours is yours….there is nothing wrong with waiting to get married, in fact there is a greater chance your marriage will last if you wait, so many of our friends who married around the same time as us are now getting divorces. Now on the other subject, if you don’t want kids, you don’t want kids. There is nothing wrong with that, to each their own…live your life how you want and have fun!
March 28th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
Enjoy yourself and don’t give in to the social pressure.
March 28th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Wow, I feel like so many people have weighed in! Just thought you might want some solidarity, though, in terms of how you feel about the whole “kid-thing”.
I don’t think I can say I never want to have kids, but I’m very on the fence about all that it entails…from the minute you get pregnant to, let’s face it, the moment you actually die (parents never stop being parents no matter what they say or how old their kids are). I think part of the equation is how you picture your life – is it settled, is it full of adventure and traveling, is it in a big house in the ‘burbs, or is it in tents for half the year on various campgrounds? When one day you find that your vision is that house in the ‘burbs (and visions do change), then the thought of kids might become more appealing to you.
To me, it’s all about the responsibility I will sign up for…I don’t mind so much about the lifestyle changes, but more about things like, do I really want to stress about extracurricular activities, doctor’s appts, and all that jazz to make sure my kids are the most comfortable and the best they could be? I feel like I can hardly do that for myself these days! So one day, when I feel like I’m bored of taking care of myself or that I’m doing a pretty good job making sure I’m the best I can be, then I might be more open to the idea of spawning.
P.S. I also really liked the non-conformist no-marriage thing Alex and I were doing and was fine with it for at least another few years, but he had to go ruin that
March 28th, 2010 at 6:04 pm
Kids rule! But you’re only 25 and you have lots of life to live without worrying about wee ones. There may come a time when you want kids or the time may never come. Ultimately its your decision to make and whatever you make is the right choice for you. And hey if you are 40 one day and realize you want kids then go for it.
March 28th, 2010 at 9:08 pm
You are not a bad person, more like a realistic one. Only thing I would say is to be open to your life priories changing over time. What may seem tolerant now may become intolerant in the future. Make sure your mate does not try to hold you to your values and beliefs today 10 years from now when your perspective is bound to change, not necessarily opposite, but different. We are nothing if not permeable.
March 29th, 2010 at 5:27 am
As usual, I’m pretty much in complete agreement with you. Despite the so-called “evolutionary imperative,” realistically, I don’t think it’d serve our modern lives/world to bring another human being into an already overpopulated planet, unless we are absolutely positive that OUR best service to society is bringing up the next generation.
As they say, you have to take care of yourself first, and if you’re in a situation where you are developing your career/lifestyle, then there’s no need to live vicariously through offspring, as you said. And as much as it’s every parent’s dream that their child will be the next Einstein/Jordan/Obama/etc, if WE can fulfill that role, then our impact/legacy on civilization will just about be the same.
In the end, as cliche as it sounds, we just gotta do what we feel is right.. that’s the truest ‘evolutionary imperative.’ Or, in more poetic terms, “to thine own self be true.”
March 29th, 2010 at 7:40 am
Allie,
Do you, thats the best advice anyone can give. No matter what people think or say or advice they give always be true to you because at the end of the day the only person you truly have to be happy with is yourself. I am 30 im single and i dont have kids. Like you i think i might want to get married someday but seeing as how im still single that someday is a long way off and if i ever do take that step i want it to be with the right person, for the right reasons. Kids, im good, at least you are adult enough to admit that youa re to selfish. I dont want kids, and like you i get those funky looks from people and im like hey would you rather i have kids then resent them for whatever reasons because i cant be selfish anymore. Sometimes i think that im ok with the idea of maybe have one kid at one point in time but then im like dang im 30 ya im good i dont want to be a super old ass parent lol. So theres nothing wrong with it, at least unlike me you are in a relationship with someone, in my family because ive been single for so long and because i dont have kids like everyone else im a lesbian. Thats the general consensus anyways they speculate instead of asking me whats the deal.. whatever imma do me no matter what they think. My happiness is the only thing thats important to me at the end of the day, not my family’s or friends perceptions of the decisions i make.
So ya do you no matter what you be happy for you for your own reasons. FTW!
March 29th, 2010 at 8:34 am
I say, it’s your life to live. Do what you want to do, make yourself happy. No one can live your life for you, no one can make you happy but you. At the end of the day it’s your decision. Don’t listen to anyone else, no one else matters but you.
I have 2 kids and a divorce under my belt, I’m just learning these lessons… and honestly, finally being true to myself is the best decision I’ve ever made.
March 29th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
I’m going to have to go back and read everyone’s comments, but as far as the marriage part goes. If it’s not for religous reasons…continue on as you are. I love my Husband, but we have had the conversation of “what was the rush anyway?” It’s your life, and your normal will never be anyone elses normal. You have to do what works the best for the two of you.
I too struggle with the kids, no kids thing. And good for you for hashing it out and giving it some thought. It’s a huge decision. Of course if it happened, you’d have no regrets and make it work. And who says down the line you can’t have them, or adopt? No one. Trust your gut, don’t do something because you fear you’ll regret it. It’s never too late.
March 29th, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Girl, I totally have been where you are. I am 31 years old and divorced. Last October I made the decision to have my tubes tied. It was the best decision I ever made. There is a book I think you should read; it really helped me. I think it could help you. It’s called: Pride and Joy-The Lives and Passions of Woman without Children by Terri Casey.
You are not selfish in your feelings. Read this book…you’ll see you’re not alone. Good luck. Look me up if you’d like.
~Seattle Heather @30andstartingover.blogspot.com
March 30th, 2010 at 8:52 am
Well I think you are fooling yourself if you think you guys are not “married”. Name one thing other than a marriage certificate than would separate you guys from a married couple? Our generation is absolutely afraid of commitment to anything and I’m not sure of the reasons other than our parents generation really blew the marriage thing.
Also part of becoming a strong couple and building a strong bond is going through the tough times together(e.g. starting off poor, working off debt, learning life’s tough lessons) if we wait to cross off some of these things before we commit; we just miss out on a chance to build a strong bond with a partner.
My question to you is; If you love your partner enough to take the steps you have taken in the years you’ve been together, why not commit to a lifetime?
March 30th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
If you’re set in your ways, then why change because someone wants you to?
I was with my ex-husband for 3 years before we were married. We barely lasted 2 years.Now I’m divorced, and only 22. It wasn’t the right time in my life for such a commitment, as I thought it was. Yes, I know I was young, I see now that marriage is something that will come at the right moment in your life. But there is also the possiblity of that not happening.. It’s a sad truth, but if you’re happy as you are, why change for a social status?
Thankfully we didn’t have any children together. I’m still undecided as to if I want them. As you said, it’s so convient being able to just grab your keys and head out the door. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, my sister’s on her 4th, and they’re wonderful children! I just like being able to take them back home. ; )
Since I was “commited” to a long relationship at such an early age, I’m just now being able to experience life. You and Allen have been living life to the fullest, as it should be spent! (I mean you only get 1 of these, eh?) So I’d give it a few more years until you decide to do either, and who knows you might change your mind, and you might still be perfectly happy where you are…
All-in-all, I dont think you’re a bad person for being so undecided, I mean you’re young, and either way, do whatever as long as you’re happy while doing so!
April 1st, 2010 at 11:59 am
Lots of great comments here already, and I totally get where you’re coming from!
I always felt a bit strange when I thought about having kids – I knew I wanted to have them “someday” but it’s never been the “right day.” As time passes (I’ll be 30 this summer) I’m finally starting to feel like I’m getting to a point where the “right day” is coming – I’m getting to a place where I can see myself enjoying being a parent and enjoying having kids (rather than focusing on being terrified at what that major change would do to my life). And even with that change, I’m still in no rush to get knocked up quite yet.
Many of my friends have gone through exactly the same feelings – and as many have come out of it having kids as have decided that they never will.
So, a very long-winded way of saying you’ll become more sure as time goes by. Until then, just enjoy life.
April 1st, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Oh, and I wanted to respond to mango (#39) – you don’t need to be comfortable living in a house in the suburbs to be comfortable raising kids (unless it’s important to you to raise them in a house in the ‘burbs). Some of the most interesting and successful people I know are raising (or have raised) pretty interesting, smart and talented kids in crazy places like studio apartments downtown, sailboats in the middle of the ocean, or dragging backpacks around the world. Having kids doesn’t need to change *what* you do, it’s just an adjustment to how you do it.
April 1st, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Allie, you remind me very much of one of my best friends.
Though she is married, she is considering the same things you are regarding children.
She too enjoys travelling, leaving spontaneously for a weekend away without worrying about a babysitter or lack of quality time with her child(ren) due to her career.
Her and her husband have great careers that the love and spend a lot of time at and as they get older (her 30, he a bit older) they are feeling the pressure to do it now or not at all, and very much leaning towards not at all.
She always says she is “too selfish to have children” and perhaps that is true… it’s hard to say, if you don’t have kids you can’t know how truly wonderful it is…. then again, if you never do, you won’t know what you are missing out on… and can live a very happy successful life anyways with the freedom to do as you please.
I had my daughter when I was 23 and I adore her and my life… though I wish I had time to travel before I became a mother, I look forward to travelling with her as she gets older and without her once she is an adult and I am still young enough (and being more financially stable to do so than I was before I had her)
It’s different paths for everyone, only you will know what is best for you but it’s great you are thinking seriously about it before deciding…it’s a HUGE decision!
<3 Good Luck !
Oh, and if you decide not to have kids, I am CERTAIN any of your friends who DO will lend you their kids for a day
ha ha!
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:52 am
Hey Girl!
Great post on the topic, specifically the kids part as I can personally relate. “Should we have kids?” is a question that my wife and I have be wrestling with for years now. The thing is neither of us have ever wanted to have kids, but so much about society around you makes you think you should have kids. That it’s natural. That it’s selfless. That it’s good for the world. Well after many years of discussion and thought I don’t think any of that is true. It’s just the external pressures that make you think that, and trust me I feel those pressures. Every single one of our closest friends and relatives of the same age (*that we like to hang out with) ALL have kids. EVERY SINGLE COUPLE. And they all started having kids at the same time, about 2 years ago. At first this really made us feel left out, but then it was ultimately clarifying. The ways their lives changed were pretty much what we expected and they were changes we simply don’t want. For those that want kids, they really don’t care, they are focused on their kids and that’s great. For us it was everything we didn’t want.
To be specific let’s take one meme “you’re selfish if you don’t want kids.” The notion that you are a shallow and selfish person if you don’t want kids. Well, I’ve never heard anyone who has kids say they didn’t want to have kids, it’s always “we WANTED to start a family because…”. Having kids is as self-centered as not wanting kids. Barring an unplanned pregnancy, it’s 100% your choice whether you do or don’t so it’s ultimately a selfish decision. If you wanted to be a little more critical you could say bringing a child into the world is about the most narcissistic thing one can do.
Many people will tell you “it’s harder than hell but it’s totally worth it!”. Well, that may be true for them, but not necessarily for you. The conclusion that I’ve come to is you really have to want it (because there’s really no logical reason to do it!). The kind of want and longing that is in your bones and you can feel in your chest. There are lots of difficult challenges in this world, some people want to climb Everest, others run marathons and to the outsider these pursuits might seem crazy. But to the person engaged in that pursuit it’s natural…it might be harder than hell, but it’s what they love. I believe that if you don’t have this kind of drive to have kids you shouldn’t do it. Think about something you really love…your boyfriend perhaps, or your love for riding on snow or water. You’ll get up at the ass crack of dawn and drive, hike, snow machine, crawl or heli into back country for fresh turns. You don’t even question it (I know that feeling!) so just ask yourself if the idea of having a family gets your heart pumping in the same way. If it does then by all means drop in! But if it doesn’t I think it’s worth asking why.
I would never fault or begrudge anyone for having kids. It’s up to each mother what she wants to do with their body. But that same respect should be awarded to those that don’t, so don’t let anyone make you feel guilty when you get “that look”! It’s your body and you’re not a bad person for not wanting kids! One thing my wife said that might clarify things: “why would I have a kid now, just because I think I might want to have kids later in life?!” She’s nearing the age where it could get iffy to get pregnant so she had to take a hard look and this was her conclusion. I think it’s genius. One other test that might help is listening to your answer when you ask if you want kids. if your response is “I don’t know” then I think it’s NO. Your answer should be unequivocal. That’s how I knew i met my life partner…”do i want to spend the rest of my life with this person?” HELL YES! was my answer. No hesitation. Marriage and kids are hard work and sacrifice so you have to want it.
Oh, and here’s a funny video (yes, I’m a slightly bitter and cynical bastard, just in case that’s not yet clear).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8
April 4th, 2010 at 9:24 am
no you shouldn’t feel bad. You should do whatever you think is right. Heck, the world population is getting to big anyway.
April 5th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
What an interesting way to have this information delivered…
Having sat here for 5 minutes coming up with what comes next – right now there isn’t much of anything. I know you two are having an exciting interesting life. I don’t think the Life Force of the planet needs more humans procreated. However…
Yes. Well. This changes nothing. This changes everything. It isn’t any of my business except that this is a public blog and how I gain information about you and my son. I could talk about how having him and then deciding that he needed a sibling companion in this world opened my heart and rearranged my life. But I’m not selling anything.
I wish for you what you wish for yourself. Freedom to decide now and later. So many women still do not have it.
I care deeply for you Allie, the chosen partner of my son.
April 6th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
It has been a few years now since those questions have been posed of me – first, when all my friends and siblings were getting married, I would get the inevitable question ‘So when are you taking the plunge? Any prospects?’ Then as my friends and siblings were having children ‘So when are you going to have a baby? Any prospects? Do you want to have children?’ The thought of marriage has crossed my mind however Mr. Right or even a semblance of someone to settle down with just never presented himself. Being a single mom by choice was not an option financially nor would it be possible to be a stay-at-home mom, which I would want to be at least until the kids are school-aged. I could never understand why people ask these questions, it doesn’t make you a better or worse person for either deciding to have children or not – it’s a personal decision and there is no right or wrong. A woman, and man, can have a full, complete & happy life without children.
April 7th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Hello everyone,
Thank you so much for your comments. You have no idea how much they mean to me! It’s definitely a tough decision albeit not one that needs to be made immediately.
You’ve all definitely left be with a lot to think about and consider… so thank you. And thank you for your thoughtful responses and for being so personal and honest with me!
Allie
April 11th, 2010 at 1:07 am
I’m a mom to a 1,5 year old. I don’t regret having her (ofc!) but if I was living your life, I don’t think I would want kids either
Keep up the good work with your blog. I love it!
April 11th, 2010 at 6:33 am
Hello Allie!
Interesting subject. And you are good to stand for what you truly want.
You are still young! At your age most people were asking me the same questions, and all that was on my mind was my passion for traveveling and my career.
I hated it how especially family insisted on the subject, it just made me push the idea of it all further away. It is not until I didn’t heard it for a while that I actually stated to think about it on my own.
I’ve been with Guy for over 7 years now, and I have to say that our lives were just like yours; friends, traveling, scuba diving, going out to nice restaurants, etc…
We are now married for almost 3 years, and I am happy that we are even if marriage made us go trough tough times… Wierdly some things chanched in our couple, and sometimes I even questioned the ” why did we get married” if we were so happy before. But I also think that the comitment of us being married is what made us work troug tough times… Guy always said for better and for worse…
Thing is if you get married just make sure to keep being the same, not to forget yourself for the other, no taking for granted, etc…
Now we went back to what we were at the begining and It’s so cool.
We even have our little 4 month old now and It’s really cool!
Yes it is a lot of work… But the important thing is we are still ourselves an not just parents.
We are now traveling with our little one, taking him everywhere with us… A baby folows you and adapts.
You still have your life ahead of you…
I have friends that don’t have kids and don’t want to have… And that are doing just fine.
But i can say one thing; you can never really know what being a parent is until you have your own, no matter what everyone says. Everyone is different.
Always folow your instinc
April 12th, 2010 at 7:10 am
it is selfish not to have kids, but selfish doesn’t have to mean “bad”. you are choosing to spend time on your own selfish needs and selfish desires rather than to put that aside and experience the particular joy and attachment that comes from having a little mini you that looks up to you as their entire world. something biological swithes insideonce you have a child (for most people) and yeah there are times when you wish you could just go away or be done with the responsibillity but there is nothing like being the center of the universe for someone and having that unconsitional love and dependence. the other shit doesn’t matter as much anymore. i personal wish less people would have kids as it seems many people can’t realize how selfish they are and end up having kids that turn into little monsters. if you really examine your heart and find that trips, stuff, appearances and career are more important than family then yes, don’t have kids.
April 12th, 2010 at 7:40 am
@ drjcv:
In reading these comments “…and experience the particular joy and attachment that comes from having a little mini you that looks up to you as their entire world” & “but there is nothing like being the center of the universe for someone and having that unconditional love and dependence.” I can’t help but think those comments couldn’t be much more self-centered and yes, selfish. But like you said, it’s not bad to be selfish-I couldn’t agree more! My contention is simple: having kids is selfish, not having kids is selfish. Barring a “surprise” pregnancy I’ve never heard anyone say they had kids because they DIDN’T want them. When someone is asked why they had kids the explanation normally starts with “Well we WANTED to have kids because…”. Again, that’s fine, but it too is a selfish act.
April 14th, 2010 at 9:20 am
Hey Allie!
I can’t help but comment on the subject of marriage now that it’ll be a close one to me, but even from this experience I’m learning that you don’t have to do anything a certain way. I think that so much pressure comes from our commercial landscape, our media, and so on, reinforced further by parents, friends, and people that think things should be a certain way. You’ll be happiest if you take your own route, and disregard the so called ‘norms’. Jon and I are stubborn about doing this marriage thing our way, when WE want, HOW we want, and without the pressure of wedding planners, meetings to decide on table settings, and all that fluff. I think that advertising fuels what we do with our lives in an unhealthy way, and pressures us to incorporate things that will benefit and profit them. Why does a wedding have to involve so much shit? It doesn’t. Why do we need to spend tens of thousands on fancy diamond rings? We don’t. People will always have something to say, but it’s better to be happy in your heart, than to live by satisfying others. As someone else said, there will be people that have a problem with anything you do, it’s just not worth the concern. Do what you want! Get married at 50 on a surfboard, or decalare yourselves soulmates without any ceremony! And when it comes to children, I think that way too many people have them for the wrong reasons, selfish reasons like filling the gap in a broken marriage, or wanting a live toy. It’s so much more honourable to make a decision that reflects you and the lifestyle you have/want.
Cheers!
April 23rd, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Allie-
I’ve been struggling with these same questions, although I do not have a significant other to speak of. My sister who is 5 years younger than me (I’m 32) got married a couple years ago and recently got pregnant. She’s currently not working, and has friends that are all starting families. I’m not convinced her reasons for starting a family are because she wants to have kids, I think that they are more because that is what she thinks the plan should be. The situation has made me think about my life and at times I have definitely felt like my car isn’t on the right road so to speak and I’ve felt guilty for not wanting the same things for myself.
I actually talked to my mom about it, who isn’t the most tactful person in the world, and has more than once indicated that she is waiting for the day when she has grandchildren. But I have to give her credit, she told me that it’s alright if I don’t get married and if I don’t want to have children. My path is not my sister’s path, and that she didn’t think I would be happy if I was on my sister’s path. And I know that she is right. I have a fabulous job that I am really good at that generally I want to get up and do each day. I have two dogs that bring me more joy than I can imagine, and I have just about everything I’ve ever really wanted. I won’t say that I have made peace with not wanting to get married, and not wanting to have kids, but I will say that it can’t possibly be wrong, if it is what I feel is best for me.
I think that only you can determine the path that is right for you, and how can anyone argue with the decisions you make? Of course, it may not be the decision that they wanted you to make, but they aren’t the ones that have to truly live with that decision.
Thanks for bearing your heart on your blog. It’s comforting to know that other people struggle with the same issues that I do.
May 7th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Allie,
Thanks for posting all the great recipes and great photos! I go on your blog often and I really love it! I was reading your post, and I totally agree with you; I’m 24 and I have a really great job in Paris (France), and a boyfriend that is amazing. We’ve been together for 4 years, but I don’t want to get married right now, and since he’s in med school, I’m sure if we do end up getting married, it won’t be for at least 6 years and I’m 100% okay with this! But people seem to have a bigger problem with it! I always get comments, and questions about our relationship–unwarranted nonetheless. I am completely happy being with him, and am very lucky that we are together, but like you, I still have a lot to accomplish in my career and life. Marriage and kids are not for everybody. I want to get married and have kids eventually, but I’m happy now. Plus now I’m starting to see how difficult it is to be a woman and balance everything: career, marriage, children. How are we supposed to do it all? It’s so stressful.
However, if you don’t want kids, don’t have them! It’s up to YOU to decide what’s right for YOU. Don’t let anybody tell you how to live your life, or make you feel bad about not wanting children!
Keep up the awesome blog