Posts Tagged ‘discussions’

THE RIGHT REASONS

Friday, March 26th, 2010

Bear with me. This is going to be a very personal post.

Man and the Sunset

Now that I’m 25, and have been in a long-term relationship for 3 years with Allan, I’m getting sick of people asking me if I want to get married and have kids.
To be honest, it’s a totally intimidating idea. My answer is always the same: Yes, I want to get married eventually but not now, and I’m pretty sure I never want to have kids.

The look is always the same, too. Utter shock and surprise. Is it really that bad that I don’t want to have children? Does that make me some kind of cold-hearted robot?

Yes, Allan and I have talked about marriage… but we both want to wait for the right time. We’re both in the middle of our careers and we want to pay off some debt before we start a new life together. Also – to me marriage is about making a commitment and working at it no matter what happens. It’s a big deal. 3-5 years away would be a good timeline. I’ve seen a lot of couples jump into it too early and end up unhappy. Basically, I’m not in any rush. I’m still young. I love him, and I love our life together right now.

Having kids is a whole new different ballgame. I like our lifestyle. I love being able to go surf and snowboard and go on trips whenever we want. Is this selfish?  I love being able to go out during the week or the weekend and not have to worry about a babysitter. I can see the attraction behind having little “you”’s running around… little surfers and snowboarders and someone to take care of. But I don’t think living vicariously through them, wanting to have clones of yourself, or having kids just to fill a gap in your relationship are the right reasons to have children. What are the right reasons, anyway?

We both want to keep working full-time jobs in the video game industry. I can’t imagine having a child and not staying home with them. I feel like it would be difficult to provide my children with the type of life I’d want them to have. How could we possibly have kids and pay for education AND still go out and do all the activities we love to do. It’s a big sacrifice.

I know several couples who have decided not to have children and they are now in their 50s and they are living it up! They have no regrets (as far as I can tell from talking to them) and they are incredibly happy with each other. And totally not stressed compared to the parents I know.

Still – a lot of people say having kids is the best thing that has ever happened to them. Sometimes I wonder who they are trying to convince… me, or themselves? And a lot of people say NOT having kids is the best thing that has ever happened to them! So confusing.

So, it’s out there now, on my very public blog. Dear Mom: Don’t kill me.

So, what do you think? Am I a bad person for not wanting to have kids and get married right away? Is this an age thing where I’ll change my mind later (I doubt it)? Are you a parent? Was it worth it? Do you want kids? If so – why? If not – why not?

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This the blog of a 28 year-old Vancouver girl who loves and writes about everything “Vancouver” and West Coast. This is the blog of a girl who works in Vancouver's video game industry, it's also a surfing blog, snowboarding blog, food blog, Canucks blog, gadget blog, and photography blog. VancityAllie.com is an award-winning blog that receives over 2.7M unique visitors every year and over 4,500 followers on Twitter. VancityAllie.com has been featured in books, newspapers, magazines, and television.

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